Ranking every Shattered Web Agent by fashion sense

Style often matters more than substance, and sometimes, the same is true in Counter-Strike. Now, you have more tools to imprint your personality on the CS:GO action in the servers thanks to the new Agents introduced in Operation Shattered Web. However, making your aesthetic choice can be fairly difficult as a newcomer to this kind of customization – which is why we’re here to help with this definitive and totally serious fashion guide of every single Agent introduced in the operation, from disheveled to ultra-suave.

Enforcer | Phoenix

He looks like a construction painter in a pair of sweatpants who just couldn’t be arsed anymore and opted for a life of crime. Surely it can only get better from here.

Seal Team 6 Soldier | NSWC Seal

An amateur effort, really. Not only does the cauliflower-styled facemask look like something of a fourth-grader’s science project, the bulky nature of the entire outfit coupled with what seem like physical beer goggles combine for an awful impression. No way you get into a conversation with that attractive woman on the other side of the bar looking like you’ve just come out of a car wash.

Michael Syfers | FBI Sniper

A sniper with a shotgun – suggesting brain damage of some sorts – and a face only a mother could love. Maybe he could take up a career in radio. Next!

Dragomir | Sabre

I can’t decide whether it’s the zebra-esque gun or the pants-tucked-in-the-boots thing that annoys me more. No, actually, it’s the combination of the dollar-store sunglasses and that hideous facial hair. I suggest we move on from Dragomir as quickly as possible before the fashion SWAT takes him out.

Operator | FBI SWAT

Have you ever seen someone more uncomfortable in their clothes? We also had to dock points for the ill-fitting shoes and the terrible hat. The Federal Bureau of Investigations is not a sports team, and you should perhaps opt against this kind of headwear in the field. Not only does it lack the defensive properties of a proper helmet, it makes you look like a complete idiot.

3rd Commando Company | KSK

Someone so overequipped has to be compensating for something. Besides, he’s German. Clearly, he doesn’t care about fashion. Next!

Slingshot | Phoenix

Scribbling your own name on your pants went out in style after the third grade, and though we appreciate the attempt with the red-and-white balaclava, unfortunately it just screams ‘THIS IS MY HEAD SHOOT HERE’ and sort of defeats the purpose of the camouflage tone of the pants. Also, leather shoes for a terrorist operation? It’s the M249 of footwear in our little contest: completely pointless overkill.

Buckshot | NSWC Seal

…I’m sorry, I’m hypnotized by that awful moustache. It’s a deal-breaker. He could be wearing a full-golden suit with a scarf made entirely out of diamonds and everyone would still be staring at that comatose fur seal under his nose.

Osiris | Elite Crew

Wearing a checkered shirt automatically disqualifies you from this kind of a discussion, no matter how cool you tried to make your head cover and your fingerless gloves. Next!

Soldier | Phoenix

I’ve got to say this: it’s tough to make a balaclava look trendy. Though we appreciate the color choice and the reveal that you’re a closeted Star Wars fan (I recognize the Rebel Alliance logo when I see it!), this is not really the kind of dress sense which makes the ladies turn around on the street. Thing is, I’m pretty sure that belt buckle is the only reason anyone is ever checking him out.

Maximus | Sabre

Oh my. With a bit of better care, big Max here would be running away with this one. A well-kept five-o’-clock shadow and a fancy-as-fuck leather jacket is unfortunately ruined by the choice of headwear and the fact that the TUCKED HIS PANTS INTO HIS BOOTS. This screams “I was dressed by my overprotective mother” and therefore warrants immediate disqualification. A real shame.

B Squadron Officer | SAS

The guy looks like a Boy Scout: always prepared, lemon squeezy. Then again, he’s British. Clearly, he doesn’t care about fashion. Next!

The Elite Mr. Muhlik | Elite Crew

Muhlik’s sharp and self-aware dress style clearly reflects his past as a consultant, bringing in just enough individuality with his jeans+ragged shirt combo to reach the mid-tier of our list. However, we need to dock points for that awful, tacky belt buckle.

The ‘Doctor’ Romanov | Sabre

You know, based on the biographies alone, I would have expected Prof. Shahmat to look like this (more on him later) and not the other way around. His buttoned-up shirt and the… what is that, a suede vest or something? Yeah, that just doesn’t work with this kind of a dirty profession. Also, goodness me, what is that on the top of his head? Did someone leave their coconut ice cream on the counter? You’re saying it’s his hair? No way I’m buying that.

Ground Rebel | Elite Crew

The only agent who couldn’t be bothered to face the camera, Ground Rebel is truly a rebel. You don’t have to play along if you don’t want to but don’t expect to win this way! Bonus points for the matching shoes and shirt though.

Blackwolf | Sabre

Observe the irritating Sabre in his unnatural habitat, where apparently tucking your pants into your boots is a requirement to ensure everyone looks as dumb as possible! Once again, a lovely casual outfit completely ruined by the massive ammo belt placed in an impractical position below his overcoat. Odd little game-breaking decisions like these seem to be the name of the game for the Sabre crowd, which is unfortunate because they have a clear advantage over their counterparts otherwise.

‘TwoTimes’ McCoy | USAF TAPC

Certainly a ‘Superior Agent’ from a fashion sense, it’s the attention to detail which makes Mr. McCoy’s outfit work. The matching the standard brown-green camo and the smattering of white with a carefully selected shade of light blue really brings out his eyes and personality. It’s also clear that copious amounts of beard oil made it onto his Christmas list. Despite his age, the USAF agent was also stylish enough to wear a scarf cool enough that the nearest hipster would likely engage in hand-to-hand combat for the privilege to wear it if they weren’t so busy drinking their soy milk latte or something.

Special Agent Ava | FBI

Keeping it simple is the name of the game here, and it works to a spectacular effect. Not many could pull off a casual look as an FBI agent while packing enough heat to take down a group of terrorists, but Agent Ava somehow manages to be lethal and stylish at the same time. Though we’d question the choice of haircut (curly hair seems to have much more of an adverse impact on the opponents’ FPS), hers is easily one of the best CT-sided designs.

Prof. Shahmat | Elite Crew

Now I know what you’re thinking: how could such a cataclysmically lame jeans+sweater combo make it this high up the list? The answer lies in the professor’s autobiography. For someone graduating Magna Cum Laude, Shahmat clearly ran out of fucks to give in more ways than one, and the fact that he was dedicated enough to highlight this with his choice of clothing as well is the sort of attention to detail fashion designers love. The complete lack of tonal synergy also shows his true transformation from beta schoolteacher to ultimate alpha male, and this makes this outfit work by itself. If his UMP doesn’t kill you, the sheer velocity of raw getoffmylawn will.

Lt. Commander Ricksaw | NSWC Seal

Clearly, Navy Seals have little room to innovate in terms of fashion, but Mr. Ricksaw deserves commendation for a stylish choice of hat. Not only is it a sign of confidence, its goofy color scheme coupled with his dad bod suggests that he’d rather be at home with the kids, sitting on the couch with a beer watching a sports broadcasts.  Not many elite commando units can say that their outfit lures their opponents into a false sense of security, and in a field as dangerous as this, you’ve got to appreciate the little touches like that. Hotdogs, hellcats and hand grenades? Hooya indeed!

Markus Delrow | FBI Agent

Markus’ stylish sunglasses and attention to detail – the matching bags and the pairing of what seem to be rubber gloves with trendy dark grey shoes – easily push him into second place. Still, he couldn’t quite beat out the one man who managed to do the leather coat right.

Rezan The Ready | Sabre

Just perfect. Stylish yet efficient, hair which looks like actual hair, excellent dress sense all around. Why oh why do you have to be an autonoob though?

Illustration credit: Valve / counter-strike.net/shatteredweb