Let’s totally overreact to the DreamHack Malmö results so far in an absolutely insufferable manner

It’s been a pretty fun event so far in Sweden, and there’s so much more CS left to watch: not a single playoff team is confirmed just yet, and only six of the participants were sent home. This makes this the perfect time to wildly overreact to what we’ve seen so far, drawing unreasonably long-term conclusions based off of two days’ worth of Counter-Strike. It’s all in the style of the average Twitch chat user, with copious amounts of allcaps added whenever necessary to make it as authentic as possible. Deep breath…

NA CS LUL

Eyyyy, so Evil Geniuses don’t look so smart now after going up against karrigan’s 3000 IQ strats, right? Looks like they won’t be able to win an event without the crowd shouting callouts for them non-stop! And how about Liquid, failing at the major, not making the final in New York, now stumbling around in the lower bracket? What is it guys, is something stuck in your throat? Are you choking or something? That’s all for the purple patch, now back to the purple face?

NOT SO EZ 4 ENCE NOW, HUH?

Sooooo I can’t help but notice that you basically lost, lost and lost some more since you’ve decided to kick your IGL for a guy who was benched longer than in takes to grow the manly homeless-style beard he’s sporting, you won one out of six best-of-ones at BLAST Moscow, then twice to a G2 mix-team, plus Vitality and FURIA. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to ship out the guy who made Legendary Eagle-level fraggers major finalists for a guy who literally bottom-fragged against FURIA? Hey, at least you’ll always have that cringey music kit to enjoy.

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G2 MADE A HUGE MISTAKE GOING INTERNATIONAL

Woooooah, looks like kioShiMa wasn’t the problem, amirite??? So how’s the Serbian seduction treating y’all? You do realize that one strong major performance doesn’t make them the next big thing? They didn’t even make it as far as QBF did at Atlanta! It’s OK though, because it isn’t like you’ll ever get that far with this lineup. You won’t even manage to pull off an authentic surrender now! So long and thanks for all the cvarci-filled baguettes!

MOUZ AND FNATIC ARE THE NEW HOT STUFF

Daaaaaaaamn dude, these teams are lit af! Looks like bringing in IGLs can help orgs reach the next level! Maybe some other folks should play attention to this lesson! Did you see the spanking mouz handed to EG? (Yeah, those guys who clearly can’t do anything without a friendly crowd.) How about the ultra-uber-mega-hyper record-breaking stats posted by KRIMZ on Train against G2? Clearly they are the two bestestest up-and-coming teams based on this incredible sample size of two days! So why are they both in the lower bracket, you ask? Shut the hell up, that’s why!

…and exhale. Can’t wait for day 3 of DreamHack Masters Malmö – there’s gonna be so much more to overreact to!

Photo credit: HLTV